I have been reading the “Exquisite Risk” by Mark Nepo and I took a picture of this chapter because I really want to share it with you. This is one of those books that found me and his words are exactly what I need to hear right now.
I have done a wonderful job at physically simplifying my life. I live in a bus, I share a car with my boyfriend, I have parred down my wardrobe, I cook and eat healthy food, I am able to create time for myself, and I garden. Yet, the inner peace I thought simplifying my life would provide still eludes me.
As a girl, the characters I most admired were the revolutionaries, the warriors, the singers, the teachers and poets. As a young woman I tried to be these characerts. I approached what ever I was doing with the desire to help people and the environment and while there is nothing wrong with that, I was pursuing that desire without being aware that I was also searching for something else: peace. The kind of peace that can only come from being seen and recognized for who you truly are. I struggle with work, because I don’t feel seen. I feel like a shadow of myself when I am there. I realize now that when I feel like quitting work and running out the door, my real desire is to use such a bold action as if to say to myself, family, friends, and community: “This isn’t me goddamnit! Being a receptionist is not all of who I am. I am Amanda. I love being outside and getting dirty. I am a revolutionary in my own way. My passion is homesteading and entomophagy, and helping people reconnect with nature!!!!!!”
Maybe if I can be aware of what I am searching for I can be more honest with who I am and what I want to do with my life. If I am not searching for fame and just peace, how might that change my actions and life path? How can I can satisfy my need to be seen without the grandeur of fame? How can I see myself and honor who I truly am? These are questions I will think on for a bit and in the meantime I want to practice noticing when others are just asking to be seen for who they are and honor them:)