Lizards

Hello Everyone!

I am done hibernating and am ready to get back to this blog.  This is a poem I wrote over the winter, I hope you enjoy.  I am nervous about putting my voice out there, but what the hell.  I am getting bored with keeping my writing to myself!

Where are the Lizards?

The only lizards now are the ones running across my memory.

Their little bodies are asleep somewhere, curled up like dogs under layers of fall.

In truth, I do not know the way they sleep, or how, or if what they do can even be called sleep-

If I were more like Mary Oliver or even more like myself,

I would know.

Maybe in the spring I’ll wake up.

And like the Lizards I will unfurl.

I will stop distracting myself from being myself.

I’ll shop less, clean less, and I’ll un-busy myself with worries of the future.

Next winter I will write about the Lizards and

I will tell you exactly where they sleep and how.

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Be Ignited or be Gone

What I Have Learned So Far
by Mary Oliver

Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the
ideal, the sublime, and the holy, and yet commit
to no labor in its cause? I don’t think so.

All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds toward radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of — indolence, or action.

Be ignited, or be gone.

I woke up this morning with jealousy.  Who know how much of the night I spent jaws clenched, grinding my teeth?  How many times did I have to remind myself to relax my shoulders?  A few years ago, I wouldn’t have known what to do with this stress.  I probably would taken my jealous feelings and hidden them and then that energy, still needing to be expressed would have found its outlet somewhere else.  I would have expended it on my ex husband, mistaking love for co-dependency, or I would have used that energy to distract myself by consuming movies, or shopping, or going to bars.

“Be ignited or be gone”, says Mary Oliver.  Jealousy is fuel.  I woke up jealous of my friend because she is doing what she loves and is making a living doing so.  I started to feel sorry for myself, but then I noticed what those feelings of jealousy were making my body want to do.  They were making my body want to move.  I am clenching my jaw and it hurts because I am spending so much energy keeping myself from talking and sharing my voice and perspective.  My shoulders hurt and are tense because I am trying so hard to restrict myself from reaching out and grasping the life I want.  Holding so much energy back is exhausting and I am learning to let go.

So today, I let jealousy carry me over to my bike, and through the park, past the geese and to this coffee shop where I am now writing for this blog.  Later, I will let it help me as I do what I need to do to set up my meal worm farm and then I will allow it to encourage the discipline I need to study so that I can share what I learn to help others.  I don’t have the energy for indolence anymore, I choose action.

 

 

We are Human Beings, not Human Doings

I am trying to be a human being today.  For the moment I am succeeding.  I am writing my blog and I am in the moment and there is no where else I am thinking about going.  There is no one else I am thinking about becoming.  There is nothing else I am thinking about doing.  I am just me doing my thing.  This morning was a different story though.  I woke up inside of my to-do list, and started thinking about all the things I want to do to be the person I want to be.  I rode my bike right over the Rogue River thinking about my destination instead of its beauty.  The Rogue River!  It is one of the most beautiful rivers I have ever seen and I rode over it and past it’s offer to help me simply be a human being and not a human doing.  I will not get frustrated with myself though, mindfulness is a practice, so I will keep practicing and notice and feel gratitude for moments of grace like the one I am in now.

Mindful

Every day I see or hear something that more or less

kills me with delight, that leaves me like a needle

in the haystack of light. It was what I was born for – to look, to listen,

to lose myself inside this soft world – to instruct myself over and over

in joy, and acclamation. Nor am I talking about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful, the very extravagant – but of the ordinary, the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations. Oh, good scholar, I say to myself, how can you help

but grow wise with such teachings as these – the untrimmable light

of the world, the ocean’s shine, the prayers that are made out of grass?

~ Mary Oliver ~

 

Intensified Sky

Ah, not to be cut off

not though the slightest partition

shut out from the law of the stars

The inner- what is it?

if not intensified sky,

hurled through with birds and deep

with the winds of homecoming.

Rainer Marie Rilke